ne0dym

not fem or masc, but a secret third thing, neodymium

12/05/2025

i know it's not pride month yet, but here we're doing it early on account of me having just now watched the whole The Matrix tetralogy, a series notable for having a very clear trans allegory as one of its many different and valid interpretations, and thanks to that, having some thoughts about gender. i've never been very vocal about my identity, keeping it limited to stating my preferred pronouns and occasionally dropping the "nb" word. my feelings are complicated and give me a lot of impostor syndrome, so i'm hoping that by laying them bare and telling my full story, we'll all get to know the neodymium a little better.

so, where to begin? i was a child raised as AFAB in a traditional, catholic family. my name is feminine sounding and quite uncommon nowadays, such that i'm probably the only one with it that most people around me will know. but even though i didn't consciously recognise it in my childhood, i felt different. i always gravitated towards the things that society says are for men. i didn't like dresses or makeup, i preferred cars and swords to dress-up dolls, all my close friends were boys, i liked to play-fight, i watched shounen anime, and so on. a bit of a tomboy, which doesn't necessarily mean anything regarding gender. i have two stories from my childhood that i learned from my mom about how i was judged by other people in my family. the first is that one day my grandmother (on father's side) expressed concern that i was strange for not acting or dressing much like a girl, and my mom apparently responded by saying that if my grandma ever repeated that, she would never let her see me again. the other is that, according to my mom, i cried so much after being forced to wear a dress for some occasion, that she promised i could always wear what i wanted, which caused bewilderment to one of my aunts (who sadly passed away in '18), who said she would present her daughter (younger than me by a few years) with two dresses and tell her to pick one. thankfully i wasn't aware of these backstage moments before my mom told me. despite my tomboyishness i was still a very sensitive kid, so i can't imagine how it would've impacted me if i knew. thank you mom for shielding me from the adults' close-mindedness.

my first foray into crafting a different identity for myself came through Club Penguin, which i first discovered in 2008, when my computer and internet privileges were starting to open up. without thinking much of it, i gave my penguin a name that was a reference to a character from Gekiranger, the first Super Sentai i learned about. since penguins weren't inherently gendered in that game, it was up to the child to choose how to present their avatar through name and appearance. the name was an impulse, picked with no regard to how it would look to other people, but the outfits were always a choice, and i only ever chose to dress my penguin like a guy. i had accidentally created a male persona, at 9 years of age, which i kept up all the way until i stopped playing in 2011. as i made more and more friends online, initially only in brazilian communities but later in international ones too, that identity became real in a way. my club penguin self was exactly like me, but a boy; i never lied about the things i enjoyed or what my day-to-day was like, the only difference was the name and pronouns other kids called me. my penguin wasn't just an avatar though, at some point he also became a character in my stories, certainly my first real OC. it's not like i wanted to be a boy or for others to perceive me as one, but i still made my online identity masculine. i was somehow drawn to that ideal, the same way even now, as a 26 year old, i still default to male player characters and OCs.

i can't say whether that chapter of my life reveals some kind of transness all along. personally, i don't identify as transmasc and never have. in fact, there was a period i sought to reaffirm my AFAB identity. directly following my club penguin phase was my tumblr phase; for a long time i went by a nickname based on my real name, but at a certain point i switched to the full version and even put "she/her" pronouns in my bio. i don't know where this impulse came from; perhaps a desire to shed a moniker i saw as childish, and an echo of my belief that i couldn't possibly be trans because i didn't feel dysphoric. as much as it pains me to admit, i was somewhat aligned with the "transmedicalism" idea (a word i didn't know then). so, tumblr was indeed where i first discovered the concept of transgender and non-binary people; my close role-playing partner came out about a year after we met, when i was 13. the word trans was new to me, but i never had a problem with the idea that he chose a new name and wanted to be referred to with masculine words. as a matter of fact, i have a memory of being in a car with some family members and blurting out that i had a friend online who was a girl before and now was a boy (they were shocked, taking offence to such a concept, they didn't even know how to reply). despite my readiness to accept my friend's identity, however, i never actually set out to learn more for myself, and so i held onto some misguided beliefs about sex and gender. you know, thinking i was being so scientific by saying "i acknowledge that gender can be flexible, but biological sex is defined as such chromosomes and such organs".

eventually, and i say it with great embarrassment, i found myself in the "anti-SJW" circles of tumblr, where people made fun of those who seemed to be offended at everything, making any issue in society or media about race or gender or class. i recently saw a video on youtube titled "Why I Stopped Being Anti-Woke" which i found to be extremely relatable; a lot of the points the uploader talks about match my experience almost exactly. luckily, i got out of that rabbit hole as i got older and met more people from diverse backgrounds, including a lot more trans and non-binary people than i ever knew before, which helped me learn more about what it is to be trans. there wasn't a specific wake-up call, i just kept learning and gradually came to accept people just as they wished to be. as for my own identity, i kept stubbornly holding onto the cis label and feminine pronouns until mid-2018.

tumblr was where i lived my online life and interacted with the world in english, but twitter was where i let my irl thoughts out, and so i wrote in portuguese. in both cases, my username was a pseudonym (ne0dym, since 2015) but i still went by my birth name if you looked in my bio. i had no desire to change my name, and since it was a feminine one, it followed that my pronouns were "ela" in portuguese, and "she" in english. now, i get to talk about how having a separate online persona and also being multilingual has literally fragmented my sense of self. at a certain, unknown point, i started to feel weird being called by my birth name and "she/her", but specifically only within my english-speaking communities. i guess it just looked out of place in context, as my name doesn't have an equivalent in that language and people wouldn't be able to pronounce it as i do. so in september 2018, i tweeted: "i'd like to experiment with they pronouns, i've found it's quite jarring to see people referring to me as she sometimes". that was when my irl self and ne0dym began to diverge.

it's complicated, so stay with me. when i still had a portuguese-speaking online presence, i was okay using my birth name and "ela", and i think i still am (i never really use my neo identity in my native language), which reflects the irl situation. recently i've also had a french-speaking life thanks to my partner; like portuguese, there is no native neutral pronoun in french, so i end up just accepting "elle". his family calls me by my name and his friends, who went from online friends to irl ones, use both my name and "neo". now english is where it gets tricky. here, i made a handy guide to help you and me, and i highlighted the most common use cases:

so if i'm strictly online and in an english-speaking environment, (Neo from The Matrix voice) My name is Neo, and i use they/them. but my aforementioned french life is also english sometimes, so the same rule applies: the people that only know my irl self refer to me by my birth name and use "she", and the people that do know my online self, like my bf and his friends, use both names interchangeably, and mostly "she" (though i appreciate when "they" is used). my partner is special, as he only ever addresses me as Neo when he's talking directly to me, but when he's talking to other people about me he'll switch to using my birth name (when talking to mutual friends, he might use both). it's just a mess.

in the end, all my troubles come from the combination english-speaking and online-only community. it's where the neo identity was born, after all. the people that might call me "neo" irl only do so because they first met me as ne0dym. i still don't like seeing or hearing my birth name used in english, but it's more tolerable irl than online. like, i would feel a visceral repulsion if i read a message from someone online using "neo" and "she/her" in the same sentence.

once i decided that ne0dym = they/them, i never looked back. even if it's kind of fucked up to have a whole separate version of myself that only comes out in a specific context, i feel like it is a real part of me. i'm comfortable being called Neo, and when i'm wearing that skin, "they" is what sounds and looks right to me.

but remember how i mentioned impostor syndrome in the opening paragraph? well, ever since i started raiding in FFXIV and talking with other players in voice-chat, sometimes it would happen that they'd hear my voice and automatically refer to me as "she". and there was one time where... i wasn't super bothered by it. our static leader (who went on to become my partner) used to stream on twitch and on one occasion i heard him talking with another friend about bringing me along for another raid, referring to me as "she/her". maybe it was just because i was starting to have some feelings for him, but that didn't feel like as big of a transgression (he eventually learned to use my preferred pronouns though). when i realised my preferences were loosening up, i started to feel like this whole time i haven't been a real non-binary. that feeling of doubt eventually passed, though, and i definitely wouldn't say now that i, as ne0dym, am a she/they. somehow, it's just that i feel more charitable when it's someone that doesn't speak english natively that misuses my pronouns. i don't really like it, but i lost the will to actively correct people. i don't even know how to do that. i don't like imposing myself.

for the past several paragraphs i've only tackled names and pronouns, but how do i actually feel about my gender? i was a bit tomboyish as a child, i've always been drawn to male avatars, i had a little "not like other girls" moment as a teen because i liked metalcore and horror, i still hate wearing dresses and makeup, i always wanted to fit into guy friends' circles at school, i'm intensely repulsed by the idea of being pregnant and giving birth. all of those are things that don't necessarily a trans make. but this might finally settle it: there's a deep sense of wrong that stirs inside me when i hear myself being referred to as a woman. i don't want to conform myself to the ideal of a woman. but despite everything, i can't see myself becoming a man either. perhaps a better label would be agender then, as ultimately i just feel like an entity that is me (i'm not opposed to using it), but ever since the pronouns they/them started growing on me, i've described myself as non-binary.

i have another story of family judgement, one i was actually present for. in early 2021, my father got it into his head that i wasn't "feminine enough" and that surely there was a medical explanation for it (he is a doctor). so he booked me an endocrino appointment to which him and my sister came along. i didn't know that there was anything wrong with my body, but then he started going on about how maybe my mental health issues were tied to altered hormones (something he had no authority to suggest), and how he was worried about my lack of "feminine vanity", whatever the hell that means. he humiliated me in front of that doctor i didn't even know and my sister, who quickly raised her voice to shut him down. later that day she came into my room to ask how i felt, and i was grateful she stood up for me, but i still kept my real feelings to myself. i've never told anyone in my family how i feel about my gender. i can't imagine how they would react.

(as a matter of fact, according to the blood tests i did show elevated levels of a hormone called "androstenedione", which would be the cause of things like excessive hair growth, acne, weight gain and irregular periods. that day, i talked with my mom and sister about it and my mom said "well, that's something to be treated", i replied "i don't want to become more feminine", and her response was "it's not about that, it's about your health!" yet of course, my father's attitude was that i should treat it to become more feminine. it wasn't the only time he suggested that either, as on multiple occasions he'd say "you should grow out your hair again". i never got answers as to why i had such elevated hormone levels, because the endocrinologist simply ghosted me.)

now comes another cause of impostor syndrome: if i'm non-binary, and therefore trans, it doesn't feel like i should be allowed to continue using my birth name and AFAB pronouns irl like i have my entire life. trans people face so many challenges and non-binary people also struggle with acceptance, so i feel like a total sham for being "fine" just maintaining the identity that was given to me in the real world, living my NB truth online instead as Neo. i've never thought about changing my name, even though i have a hard time connecting to it sometimes (especially in other languages). i already dress and look the way i like to. i can't see myself going through the trouble of asserting they/them pronouns in, say, a workplace, when i can just tolerate "she/her". in a portuguese-speaking environment, that wouldn't even be a concern anyway. i learned there's a word for someone in my position, "theyfab", and it terrified me. i know i am NB... there's just nothing i want to or feel the need to change about myself, in real life.

actually, there is one thing. when i was 14, i underwent a breast reduction surgery because my breasts had grown quite large and that was going to be a problem for my health later on. the head surgeon was a friend of my father and, as far as i know, didn't charge for his part at all (we probably gifted him some expensive wine in thanks). the surgery was a success, greatly reducing the toll my breasts had on my body, and i didn't really think much about them again. until more recently, as i've gained weight and thus became more self-conscious about my body, especially my chest; i'm not sure if they do in fact grow a bit as one gains weight, but that's something i've been telling myself to cope, to motivate me to drop some kilos. ever since that surgery i've worn bras 24/7, and recently i've taken to wearing a model that really holds my breasts in place, because i was so bothered by their feel, particularly when sleeping. i hate how they throw off the look of my outfits, how they got in the way when i did karate, how acutely aware i am of their movement during a light sprint. but since that surgery was already so costly in 2013, i can't bring myself to consider getting another one (or even removal entirely, because of bf). fortunately, i have in fact managed to drop some kilos already, in a healthy way just cutting back on soda and exercising sometimes, but my boobs are still there, weighing me down literally and figuratively, a burden i can't get rid of.

this final story is a bit of a downer. my bf is a wonderful person, i love him and we're getting married, but there was one conversation that hurt me. on the last day of one of his visits to brazil, i ended up souring the mood by asking "right now i think it wouldn't come to that, but if i came out as a trans guy, would you still like me?". he, being a cishet man, became really upset, like he was offended by the idea of being with a guy. i continued, well it would still be me, so do you like me for who i am or because i'm a "girl"? i can't even remember what he said, because he could barely form a coherent response. the way he reacted really hurt, and even if it was just an extreme hypothetical scenario, it turned me off the idea of changing things about myself even more. i very rarely talk about gender things with him because i know he just can't relate or understand. that episode didn't change how i felt for him (please, don't hold it against him), but it did make me feel like i had to keep colouring inside the lines to be with him.

since the first moment i started questioning my gender, i've been a big closeted non-binary in all situations except when i'm Neo. i might even say, if i weren't online as ne0dym, with the friends i've made, i might never have even thought about my gender. and given the things i've mentioned, i think i'll always remain in the closet. i'm a huge coward, afraid of ruining relationships, causing trouble to others and myself, breaking the stable image i've maintained for 26 years. since keeping this AFAB identity irl works for me and i can tolerate the discomfort it does bring eventually, i often wonder what exactly i am, if i deserve that NB label i gave myself, if i'm even allowed to speak about trans topics. honestly, with how mild my experience has been, i'm not even "primed" to see transness in everything (case in point, The Matrix: i can totally see the metaphor having been told about it, but i don't think i could've thought it up myself). it's always validating when people use "they" for me, a pronoun that represents being somewhere outside the strict gender binary, but some part of me will keep wondering if i'm simply playing a character, if this isn't just a ruse getting out of control. like my childhood club penguin persona all those years ago.